A few philosophers’ theories, summarised with the aid of pastry-related analogy

Author Theory
Heraclitus You can’t eat the same donut twice.
Plato All donuts share in ideal ‘donut-ness’.
Aristotle A donut contains its donut-ness.
Augustine Donuts need grace to be fully donut.
Descartes A donut’s hole proves the existence of the donut.
Locke Donuts taste good to me.
Hume Donuts exist because I imagine donuts.
Kant A ‘donut’ = my total experience of donuts.
Wollstonecraft Women deserve donuts, too.
Mill Donuts are good if they make people happy.
Kierkegaard I have faith that donuts are delicious.
Marx Everybody deserves donuts.
Nietzsche Stop at nothing to get your donut.
Saussure Beignet/krapfen/ciambella/buñuelo = ‘donut’
Wittgenstein Fried pastry, zero, parking lot spin, spare tire.
Beauvoir Patriarchy is responsible for the shape of the donut.